WHY?

hey guys.
Today I was just wanted to brake from my usual physical health chit chat and talk about life a bit.

In an earlier blog I had said that life is complicated. It sure is. I guess I've been thinking a lot and I'd feel better if I typed it out.

Once upon a time I lived in Tucson, Arizona. I didn't have many friends, but it's easy to make them for a night in a university/drinking scene. One young man was rather interesting. I bought him tea out of necessity. I was already drunk but I wanted one more drink. In order for me to use my card I had to buy two drinks. He was the lucky boy reading in the bar sitting next to me that got his choice of anything. He was in a bar reading, and wanted tea. I told him he could have whatever he liked and he kept his word and got tea. It was interesting to me so we ended up talking for a hour or two.

He ended up asking me a question that I always ask myself. What is my "why" in life. Why, I get up, Why I continue to do the things I do and just why my worlds the way it is.

As you may know I have been a bit depressed lately, and now in a blue streak I ask myself what is my why? The question why has always been important to me. In the hard times I ask myself why it had to happen to me. In the good times I wonder why I am so lucky and if it will stay. Then the final why. What is my "Why"

I have just realized I focus more on why instead of what is my why. I am a mystery to myself. I can usually only apply negative contributions to my personality. If I apply positive it is just too restricting. Even though there are things I do not like, there are things I can put up with. The question that asks me what my why removes trying to figure me out through my negative attributes to my characteristics and, instead, goes to the very root of myself.

I used to be lonely in Tucson. I was in a new state, no friends and no family. I did not speak to my family and my friends were forgetting about me and carrying on with their own busy life. All I had was my dog. My dog became my why. It sounds absolutely mad and pathetic but tis true.

I no longer have my dog and I no longer have my why. I do things with a short burst of why, but nothing permanent. Nothing to be my rock. This is why I fall so easy. I need a why and I have none.

I hope I will find one again. I suppose it is why I feel empty or lonely now.

Still pondering,

nosnoozieq
xox