WHY?

hey guys.
Today I was just wanted to brake from my usual physical health chit chat and talk about life a bit.

In an earlier blog I had said that life is complicated. It sure is. I guess I've been thinking a lot and I'd feel better if I typed it out.

Once upon a time I lived in Tucson, Arizona. I didn't have many friends, but it's easy to make them for a night in a university/drinking scene. One young man was rather interesting. I bought him tea out of necessity. I was already drunk but I wanted one more drink. In order for me to use my card I had to buy two drinks. He was the lucky boy reading in the bar sitting next to me that got his choice of anything. He was in a bar reading, and wanted tea. I told him he could have whatever he liked and he kept his word and got tea. It was interesting to me so we ended up talking for a hour or two.

He ended up asking me a question that I always ask myself. What is my "why" in life. Why, I get up, Why I continue to do the things I do and just why my worlds the way it is.

As you may know I have been a bit depressed lately, and now in a blue streak I ask myself what is my why? The question why has always been important to me. In the hard times I ask myself why it had to happen to me. In the good times I wonder why I am so lucky and if it will stay. Then the final why. What is my "Why"

I have just realized I focus more on why instead of what is my why. I am a mystery to myself. I can usually only apply negative contributions to my personality. If I apply positive it is just too restricting. Even though there are things I do not like, there are things I can put up with. The question that asks me what my why removes trying to figure me out through my negative attributes to my characteristics and, instead, goes to the very root of myself.

I used to be lonely in Tucson. I was in a new state, no friends and no family. I did not speak to my family and my friends were forgetting about me and carrying on with their own busy life. All I had was my dog. My dog became my why. It sounds absolutely mad and pathetic but tis true.

I no longer have my dog and I no longer have my why. I do things with a short burst of why, but nothing permanent. Nothing to be my rock. This is why I fall so easy. I need a why and I have none.

I hope I will find one again. I suppose it is why I feel empty or lonely now.

Still pondering,

nosnoozieq
xox

Let's Ride... Upcoming Events!

Hey Guys.
It's been a while. I think a week. I feel awful about not working out, but I have only had the energy to go to work, the bathroom and squeeze a salad in.

Yes, I am still depressed. However, I had a conversation with a friend who cared and it made me feel better. It was nice to talk to some one and laugh. So, Thanks Andrew! It meant a lot to me.

I hope I did not gain all my weight back. I am just going to continue as if I never stopped. There area also a few new things I am going to do.

BLOG(S): I have decided I do not want to mash all the things I'd like to talk about under one blog. This way it will be easier for you to keep track of particular subjects.

There is another blog I have, The new blog is under this same profile and it's name is : Our Golden Ratio. It is going to be the beauty/fashion side of my blog.

My future plans will have maybe another one or two blogs. One about cooking and another just personal.. maybe l.a/California adventures/recommendations.

TWITTER: I have a nosnoozieq twitter. http://twitter.com/nosnoozieq I am not very popular so, I have time to fix it up and work on it,lol. But, that is what the next upcoming event is.

YOUTUBE:
I have an account. It is the same name and I will set a link and make a post about it when the video's up.

Dusting My knees Off- I hope

I know I made a post last night about getting up from the horse when you fall off but these things take time for me. Maybe, I should explain.

This entry will be my most personal entry, so it may be boring but for those of
you who want to understand more about how it all works for me, I think this is one of the things you should know.

First off, I am still very depressed and I haven't worked out in a couple days. Until a few months ago I've had serve depression and anxiety for most of my life. My anxiety and depression caused me to have fatigue, stomach problems, large amounts of hair falling out and to have breakdowns more often than not. I thought it was normal to feel the way I did, after all, my childhood was not as ... warmhearted as it was supposed to be. One day my boyfriend informed me that I was sad, and in pain all the time. To my surprise I said "I am?". I had gotten so used to the state of being I thought it was just the way I was meant to be.

It took a year to understand that I was not feeling the way a healthy person should.
After all these years, I finally couldn't take it anymore! I just could not go on living the way I was. I would do anything just to function. So, I decided to start taking care of myself. I thought "I must fix my mind". However, during a session with my amazing therapist, I realized I must start taking care of all of me. Body, mind and soul. That day I talked a friend into hiking with me and we have been hiking and/or working out since.

I don't understand why I haven't really changed. I tried. I really, really tried. I thought it was. Ever since that day I had my crying breakdown I posted about I have just gone back to feeling how I used to. I just don't know if I am meant to feel any other way. I've been thinking about giving up this blog, working out, therapy, and I've been coming home to shower and sleep. I haven't really wanted to be awake or talk but I am doing my best to do it anyways. I am supposed to go hiking twice tomorrow. I don't know if I will (I have trouble getting up when I am depressed) but I will try and I will try to think positive.

I hope I can start again,

nosnoozieq
x0x

Falling Off The Horse

Hey guys.
Sometimes life is really complicated. I often find myself in a state of
befuddlement because it's impossible imagine how my life got so messy, even though
it is I who chooses my paths.


Last night was no good. I hear how I am fat and how I need to lose weight from my coworkers everyday. It's already bad I think so, but it's another thing to be reminded of it by my coworkers. Poo.

Anyways, my friend/work out buddy came to pick me up after work (unbeknownst to me) and he is just so mean to me! We are usually insulting towards each other with laughter but I guess he was in a terrible mood, so it wasn't funny this time. We went to the grocery store so I could pick up some things to make a salad and he commented on how I looked as if I gained weight and I just couldn't take it anymore!

I could hold it until I got in the car, but after that I flooded the car. I couldn't
stop crying and I didn't want to talk about it. I just wanted to go home. I wanted to go home, lay in my bed and never get up again.I asked him to take me home. I was so upset I thought to myself "I'll just stop eating!". However, by the time I got home I was hungry, which made me cry more.

I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't end up working out but I did just eat a salad, even though I felt like eating pizza, a hamburger, and fries. I guess I did eat bad when I felt bad. I never noticed. I guess I noticed this time because instead of eating what I wanted my boyfriend said no, and I just paced around my apartment and cried until I made my salad. After, I was still hungry but I just had a glass of milk to fill me.

I felt so bad for not working out. I felt so bad for wanting to eat more. I felt so bad because I'm not losing weight fast enough to make people stop bringing my weight up. I felt so bad last night I feel pessimistic now. I don't want to talk to my friend today either, and he's the one with the gym.

All this overwhelming, depressing emotions have put a dent in my faith in me, and my work out schedule. However, I am trying to remember to take responsibility for my own emotions and actions! Just because I fell off the horse (wagons more like it..lol) doesn't mean I should lay there and cry.

Trying to get back up,

nosnoozieq
x0x

p.s
HAPPY 4TH!
x0x

New Month, New Plan!

So, this is a new month and I am rather excited/nervous about it!

This month is the month where I have to put a match under my bum because
I must lose 33 pounds to catch up. whoa! That's a lot for a month I think.
That's one pound every day this month, except on two i need to lose 2.

So, I know I'm starting 3 days late but I made a calender again. Same concept
but I planned out my meals for the month. I upped two days a week to going hiking twice a day per week. I also am going to work out every day. My meals mostly consist of: oatmeal
chicken
rice
salad
fruit
tuna
yogurt
pb&j with honey
cereal
burritos
I know this seems really bland but not only is it healthy but good for my Gerd. I don't mind it though because I am really determined to get into shape.

I, also, hope I can get some whey protein. I think i will be replacing a meal with it if I do get it but until then I am going to stick to whats on the menu. I know it builds muscle (which I will be looking forward to), but I also hear it helps with weight loss. So, I hope that goes well.
I'd hate to grow hair on my chest and become sirnosnoozieq. lol.

well ladies, audios

nosnoozieq
x0x