In Depth Plan!

Dear you,
Hey there! Well, it's time for another post. I have been keeping busy with a lot of activities but not any concentrated and intended workouts. However, I will start Starting Monday.

This weekend I must clean the disaster that is in my apartment. I will be rearranging the house, and trying to get rid of clothes and I hope to get rid of my art. I feel like if I were to burn them it would be a waste... so, I plan on letting someone else use em for firewood behind my back. lol.

On Monday I have a hiking date with a coworker. No... it is not a date date. It's just two chickies going hiking... suffering together...lol.

My downstairs neighbor ended up being in penthouse magazine and these other mags. I am happy for her, but I feel embarrassed to be outta shape. My boyfriend came in and told me about how hot our neighbor is and as soon as I saw it I went upstairs, did my make up and hair and came back down to hang out with my neighbors. How embarrassing! So, Ive decided to go more into depth and really try hard to pick myself up again.

so I updated on was my eating plan. I told you about my monthly plan on exercising and eating. You know, the one with a bigger girl and one with one in shape, with arrows and goals on it. Well, I've decided I've gotten off to a rotten start the second time around, and I have so much weight to catch up on.

I am keeping my monthly calendars posted. Three total, but: one on the fridge, one above my bed and one in the bathroom. I always end up using the one in the bathroom to update the most. Anyways, tonight I made a weekly calender with the same meal plans!

These weekly meals plans will be like my food diary. I will be printing out my weekly meal schedule, and leave space next to it to detail about any changes and what time I ate. Then I am going to put a blank page behind it, and I must write about how I felt about each meal, what my thoughts on about the meals, the day for exercise(if I wish) and if I have any upcoming dates where food will be replaced for a meal do to an occasion of some sort and how I plan on dealing with it. Once that day comes, it will be interesting to see how I did. I will collect these weekly and at the end of the month make an assessment. Write about it and see if I will continue.

Wish Me Luck!

nosnoozieq
x0x

Dusting My knees Off- I hope

I know I made a post last night about getting up from the horse when you fall off but these things take time for me. Maybe, I should explain.

This entry will be my most personal entry, so it may be boring but for those of
you who want to understand more about how it all works for me, I think this is one of the things you should know.

First off, I am still very depressed and I haven't worked out in a couple days. Until a few months ago I've had serve depression and anxiety for most of my life. My anxiety and depression caused me to have fatigue, stomach problems, large amounts of hair falling out and to have breakdowns more often than not. I thought it was normal to feel the way I did, after all, my childhood was not as ... warmhearted as it was supposed to be. One day my boyfriend informed me that I was sad, and in pain all the time. To my surprise I said "I am?". I had gotten so used to the state of being I thought it was just the way I was meant to be.

It took a year to understand that I was not feeling the way a healthy person should.
After all these years, I finally couldn't take it anymore! I just could not go on living the way I was. I would do anything just to function. So, I decided to start taking care of myself. I thought "I must fix my mind". However, during a session with my amazing therapist, I realized I must start taking care of all of me. Body, mind and soul. That day I talked a friend into hiking with me and we have been hiking and/or working out since.

I don't understand why I haven't really changed. I tried. I really, really tried. I thought it was. Ever since that day I had my crying breakdown I posted about I have just gone back to feeling how I used to. I just don't know if I am meant to feel any other way. I've been thinking about giving up this blog, working out, therapy, and I've been coming home to shower and sleep. I haven't really wanted to be awake or talk but I am doing my best to do it anyways. I am supposed to go hiking twice tomorrow. I don't know if I will (I have trouble getting up when I am depressed) but I will try and I will try to think positive.

I hope I can start again,

nosnoozieq
x0x

Falling Off The Horse

Hey guys.
Sometimes life is really complicated. I often find myself in a state of
befuddlement because it's impossible imagine how my life got so messy, even though
it is I who chooses my paths.


Last night was no good. I hear how I am fat and how I need to lose weight from my coworkers everyday. It's already bad I think so, but it's another thing to be reminded of it by my coworkers. Poo.

Anyways, my friend/work out buddy came to pick me up after work (unbeknownst to me) and he is just so mean to me! We are usually insulting towards each other with laughter but I guess he was in a terrible mood, so it wasn't funny this time. We went to the grocery store so I could pick up some things to make a salad and he commented on how I looked as if I gained weight and I just couldn't take it anymore!

I could hold it until I got in the car, but after that I flooded the car. I couldn't
stop crying and I didn't want to talk about it. I just wanted to go home. I wanted to go home, lay in my bed and never get up again.I asked him to take me home. I was so upset I thought to myself "I'll just stop eating!". However, by the time I got home I was hungry, which made me cry more.

I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't end up working out but I did just eat a salad, even though I felt like eating pizza, a hamburger, and fries. I guess I did eat bad when I felt bad. I never noticed. I guess I noticed this time because instead of eating what I wanted my boyfriend said no, and I just paced around my apartment and cried until I made my salad. After, I was still hungry but I just had a glass of milk to fill me.

I felt so bad for not working out. I felt so bad for wanting to eat more. I felt so bad because I'm not losing weight fast enough to make people stop bringing my weight up. I felt so bad last night I feel pessimistic now. I don't want to talk to my friend today either, and he's the one with the gym.

All this overwhelming, depressing emotions have put a dent in my faith in me, and my work out schedule. However, I am trying to remember to take responsibility for my own emotions and actions! Just because I fell off the horse (wagons more like it..lol) doesn't mean I should lay there and cry.

Trying to get back up,

nosnoozieq
x0x

p.s
HAPPY 4TH!
x0x